Johnny Depp Is Definitely Single

A few weeks back we posted that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis were calling it quits, but like anything we post, it could’ve very easily been complete bullshit. I probably would’ve guaranteed it. Except now PEOPLE‘s running with their break-up on its cover, so there’s really never been a better time for anyone in LA with a vagina and access to heroin:

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year. Multiple sources tell PEOPLE in this week’s cover story that the relationship is all but officially finished.
In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

In before someone says it’s all Angelina Jolie‘s fault: I saw them stealing children on a pirate ship until Brad Pitt caught them and she broke his fucking leg I WIN!

Posted in: celebrity